War Madness and Disease

Following my earlier post on the goalkeeper theory, I had received feedback that it was a little too complicated and tough to understand. I received reports that people had considered unsubscribing from the TS blog because they had found this complicated. So I thought I should simplify stuff, and explain things as they happened. This post gives an anecdotal introduction to the Goalkeeper Theory.

I’m sure you’ve heard this story. Following a curse, Parikshit was killed by the serpent king Takshaka, and was succeeded to the throne of Hastinapura by his son Janamejaya. In order to avenge the death of his father, Janamejaya swore to destroy all serpents on the planet. He succeeded in killing Takshaka, and then embarked on a grand and massive Sarpa Yagna to exterminate the snake species.

Kings and rishis from far and near had been invited. The preparations for the yagna were as massive as they had ever been in Hastinapura. Among the people invited was Rishi Vyaasa. Yes, the same rishi who had once been so fearsome that Ambika and Ambalika had shut their eyes and gone pale, respectively, while having sex with him. Just when the yagna was about to begin, Vyaasa convinced Janamejaya that he shouldn’t go ahead with the yagna. It was not fair to take revenge on the entire snake community, he reasoned, and went on to say that Takshaka had only done his duty in executing a curse.

Parikshit was impressed with the Rishi’s reasoning, and agreed not to go ahead with the yagna. In the discussions that ensued, he also expressed considerable interest in learning about his ancestors, and the history of his dynasty. And it was at that time, in the august sabha of Janamejaya, that the Mahabharata was recited.

Cut forward by approximately five millenia, into the darkish basement floor of the IIMB hostel. Ugliness was visiting War.

“I’m wondering whether to hit on Exception”, said War.

“What an excellent idea, dude! You should definitely go for it. It makes so much sense”, replied the Ugly One.

“But, boss, I’ve heard stories that she already has a boyfriend. Is it worth going for it? What are the odds that I’ll succeed? Is there any merit at all in going for it?”, enquired War innocuously.

What followed was a defining moment. A defining moment, not dissimilar to the one that I had mentioned earlier in the essay, that took place five thousand years earlier. A moment when a masterpiece was about to be unleashed. A masterpiece that was going to have a defining influence on several generations of Indians.

“Let’s get this straight, dude”, said Ugliness. “I am well acquainted with the people in these parts and I must tell you that you are not alone. There are at least half a dozen other guys who want to hit on Exception. Now, consider this. Look at this as a game of football, these half a dozen guys as defenders, and you need to get past them to score. What if I just add a goalie to this formidable set of defenders?

“Let me tell you, dude – if you are skilful enough to get past these half a dozen defenders, you should have no problems in getting past the goalie too – which is what her boyfriend represents. Just think about this. I don’t think this should be so critical in your decision. Go for it, and concentrate on getting past the other defenders.”

Ugliness had been right. The goalkeeper had been found to be hopelessly out of position, and was easily beaten. He had been right in predicting that the real battle lay between the various attackers, who, when not attacking would take up defensive positions. Things had gone exactly to his plan. His strategic vision was to be recognized in due course. He now works for a really well known strategy consulting firm, and is said to be doing extremely well.

War, however, turned out to be entirely unprepared for battle. His social skills were at an all-time low, and he found that he couldn’t kick the football more than three yards long, in any direction. Tackling and dribbling were entirely out of the question. A couple of nervous pokes, and a few hard tackles later, he retreated to the safety of the bench. In due course of time, he ended up being the greatest ever evangelist of the Goalkeeper Theory.

written by War

When I decided to become a Liverpool fan back in April 2005, I knew only one name from the club – Steven Gerrard. And during the short train journey with a bunch of liverpool fans when I actually made this decision, I learnt the names of three more. They had modified La Bamba to go “Rararara rafa benitez… “. The song contained the names of three Spaniards playing for Liverpool. One of them was Xabi Alonso.

Alonso is a deep-lying playmaker. There aren’t too many of his type around – only Xavi and Andrea Pirlo come to mind immediately. He is the engine of the team. He is the focal point of the attack, passing the ball around in all directions, so that his teammates can score. However, he usually remains behind his teammates. Seldom does he himself go forward to score. In the goalkeeper theory framework, he is like that trusted friend who sets you up. Who advises you. Who does everything for you so that you can score.

Once in a while, his teammates try to pay him back adn ask him to take a penalty. In these situations too, Alonso seems to want to set up his teammates rather than going on his own. I’m talking about his penalty in the Champions League final of 2005, which brought hte game back to level at 3-3. Alonso hits the ball hard, Dida goes the right way and blocks it. There’s a goalline scramble and it’s Alonso again, hitting the ball into the roof of the net. I wanted to put a video of that here but all decent videos of that seem to have been removed from Youtube.

Of course, the fact that Alonso doesn’t go forward to score doesn’t mean that he believes completely in the apna haath jagannaath model either. He has his attempts at goal, and they are all long shots. No one else would even attempt to score from the distances and angles that Alonso tries from, and he seems to have an amazing strike rate from them. I think we, the followers of the goalkeeper theory, have much to learn from this great Basque.

Alonso’s strategy is to catch the goalie out of position. Appear to be harmlessly passing the ball around. Keep an eye out on the goalie. Look for that opportunity when the goalie is misplaced. And score. It’s like a game of chess, where you look for that strategic moment when a particular square is not as tightly guarded as before, and then put unleash. Two of Alonso’s most famous goals are below.

Sometimes he misses, but even in such circumstances, he does irreparable damange to the opposition goalie. Once again, I wanted to put a video here but I’m not able to find it due to copyright issues. This is from the Spain-Greece match in the recently concluded Euro. Alonso, leading a second string Spanish side, unleashed from inside his own half. Though he missed, a desperately backtracking Antonio Nikopolidis ended up crushing his balls. Not too bad from the perspective of the goalkeeper theory right?

Alonso seems to have picked up yet another skill of late – of getting opposition players sent off. Assume that the girl has not only a boyfriend (goalkeeper) but also several other guys who stand between you and her. Wouldn’t it help immensely if some of these guys are sent off? Disqualified? As I write this, I’m watching ManC-Liv where Alonso got the City right back Zabaleta sent off by inviting a bad tackle.

One moral you can take out from this story is that you need not have a perfectly choreographed wooing procedure to score. You need not even go about it in a step by step procedure. It is possible to score from random long shots, as long as they are well calculated. However, you need to remember that not everyone is Xabi Alonso.

written by War

Rajendra Kumar was a versatile actor in the 1960’s who specialized in playing the loser. He would usually star in love triangles, and in almost all cases, he would nobly sacrifice the woman for the other man. In the parlance of goalkeeper theory, that would be a case of a goalie helping a ball that was going out into the goal. One might think this kind of a thing doesn’t usually happen. One might even think that in such cases the goal is awarded to the goalie (still it’s a self-goal and is in the world of relationships equivalent to gettingditched).

One footballer who has paralleled Rajendra Kumar in such noble endeavours is the Liverpool  goalie Jose Manuel Reina. Watch this video and we will know how (liverpool ultimately won the game. Agger scored a long shot on his Liverpool debut and I don’t remember who scored the winner)

written by War

Ugliness was supposed to write this post. However, since he has kept sliming and a lot of our other inputs depend upon this particular post, I thought I should write this however well I can. Hopefully the ugly one will himself do a better job some day.

It’s a strange form of football. Maybe it’s the version that a lot of people would’ve played as kids. There is only one goal. There may or may not be a goalie. And everyone’s objective is to score, and to prevent others from scoring. There will be a few people in the game, however, who will not want to score themselves. They just want to help out some friends.

So in order to score you’ll have to get past everyone else. You have to get past so many “defenders” anyway. The theory goes that the chances of your scoring are not significantly altered by the presence of a goalie. If you are good enough to get past so many defenders (remember that everyone else who is playing is practically a defender), you should be good enough to get past the goalie and store.

There is another strange twist to the game – if at all someone ends up scoring, he becomes the goalkeeper. Remember that the goalkeeper is the only guy in the game who doesn’t need to actively try to score. He’s always inside the goal anyways. This, in effect, is the simplest form of the goalkeeper theory. Acshully, I still need to complete the analogy.

Replace the goal by a person. Other players are the suitors for that particular person. If the “goal” has a boyfriend/girlfriend that person is the goalkeeper – after all the goalie is the only person allowed to use his/her hands. If the goalie thinks he/she cannot defend the goal alone, he/she may recruit defenders. Whose only job is to prevent everyone else from scoring. On the rare occasion, however, the defender ends up scoring a self-goal. Actually, it is not so rare. Especially if the defender has been appointed as a petromax for the goalie.

In forthcoming posts on this topic, we will be taking instances from real football, and draw insights from them to apply into the world of relationships. Baada, given his immense football knowledge, will act as the “football consultant” on a few of these posts. I think we are headed for interesting times.

written by War

After I had blogged the petromax primer last week, I realized that credit for the concept should be given to where it was due. So last week I watched “Golmaal Radhakrishna” for the third time, though it was the first time after I had revitalized this excellent yet dormant concept. Here is a clipping from the movie – the scene which introduces this great concept.

Given that a large proportion of my readers don’t understand Kannada, here is a line by line translation of the clip. There are three characters – Venkatesh, Krishna and Petromax. The guy you see here at the beginning of the clip is Venkatesh. Krishna is played by Anant Nag. The petromax appears later on in the scene.

Background: Krishna has just been transferred to Bangalore and is looking for a house. While househunting, he is staying with his colleague Venkatesh whose wife is out of town.

Venkatesh: Krishna
Krishna: Wassup. How come you’ve returned early tonight
V: Can you sleep in the hall tonight?
K: Why?
V: I’ve brought a petro… petromax
K: Why petromax given that there is no power cut?
V: When your wife – who is like a Nanda Deepa (the lamp lit in front of God) – is not home, the house is filled with darkness. Hence you need the light from a petromax
Petromax: Haaaaaaaai
V: This, guru, is the petromax. Howzzat?
K: Wtf. Wife is not at home means you do these things?
V: Do you say this is wrong?
K (while going out of the room, pointing to V): Only he (is your customer)
P: Oh fool!
V: Thank you guru, thank you
K: This kind of practice means my chest will burst, etc. If people outside know, then all respect will go.

written by War

Like Dalda and Xerox, Petromax seems to be another brand name which is now used as a common noun. According to Wikipedia,

Petromax is the brand name, for paraffin lamps that use a mantle, they are as synonymous with the paraffin lamp on the continent as Tilley lamps in the UK and Coleman in the US.

Back in the late 80s and early 90s, the power situation in Karnataka was grim. The power cuts of today are nothing compared to the situation in those dark ages. Back then, good quality emergency lamps weren’t widely available in India, as they are today; and the duration of the power cuts meant that people couldn’t rely on candles, for the light was hardly enough. Gas lights were yet to make their mark then. The most popular method of dealing with power cuts was to use a petromax.

A petromax is also widely used in places where there is simply no electricity. For example, when he went to the Western Ghats for a holiday last year, Baada found that there was simply no electricity there. So he was forced to use a petromax. Here is a picture of Baada with his petromax.

Now, that the initial part of the intro is over, let’s get to the interesting part. The 1990 film Golmaal Radhakrishna institutionalized the petromax. Krishna (Anant Nag) is married to Radha (Chandrika). Krishna has dropped Radha to her parents’ place and is returning by train when he meets Sandhya (Vanitha Vasu). The following scene is in Kannada, but I would encourage you to watch it even if you don’t understand the language, for it formalized a what was already a popular, though unnamed, concept.

To summarize, a petromax is something that you use when
the light has gone out of your lives. The petromax, in modern times,
also knows that it is temporary, and that it will be switched off once
the lights come back on. However, while the light is still gone, both
you and the petromax have each other for company, and can have fun. And
there exists a remote probability that the light will never come back
on, and the petromax lights up your life for good.

written by War

Aadisht was a blessed man. Though born a TDC, he had the brains of a Tam. Unfortunately, the gods intended to destroy him. And those they intended to destory, they made mad first.

The house broker didn’t know this facet of Aadisht. All he could see in front of him as a wealthy employee of a wealthy bank. Life before subprime was simple. He could see a healthy commission at the end of the whole affair. He wanted to end the deal as soon as possible.

“So what exactly are your requirements? I have lots of good houses across Mumbai. You want house in Prabha Devi? It is 2 BHK. Perfect for single man like you.”

The broker winked knowingly.

“I can’t take a place so far from work. I don’t want to commute to work.”

“Is that so? Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? Where is your office?”

“Air India building.”

“The Air India building in South Bombay?”

“I wasn’t aware there were other Air India buildings Mumbai.”

“There isn’t. But it is in South Bombay.”

“I know. I didn’t choose to work there. The company choose to work me there. By the way do you know why the Air India building is built in such a fashion?”

“What fashion?”

“You know it is diagonal to the coast and not parallel to it.”

“Oh, that way. No I have no idea.”

“Apparently, when the Indira Gandhi declared emergency, she was criticized heavily by the Indian Express. So she decided to take revenge on the newspaper and built the Air India building in such a fashion that it took away the sea view from the Indian Express building. That’s why they had it built diagonally.”

“That is certainly very interesting. But coming back to the immediate issue of finding a place of residence for you. It is difficult to get houses in South Bombay for cheap. The rents are very steep.”

“I know that. It’s all because of the darned rent control act. You know the rent control act, don’t you. Basically it allows…”

“Look. I know the rent control act.” The broker cut in rudely. “As I was saying, what is the kind of budget you are looking at?”

“I can spend up to fifteen kilorupees.”

“Er. What?”

“Fifteen Kilorupees.”

“How much is that in Indian currency.”

“It IS in Indian currency.”

“How so?”

“I can spend up to fifteen thousand. In metric system it is fifteen kilorupees.”

The broker stared hard at Aadisht. He was a professional and managed to squeeze out a smile.

“Ah that way. But don’t you think, fifteen thousand is a little too low for a house in South Bombay.”

“Look. I can’t afford to spend any more than this. I am saving up for my Nikon DSLR, with a prime lens. I need to put aside ten kilorupees for that. Plus I also have to save money for my Manila trip. One of the bloggers there, Sasha is organizing a Manila Photowalk in October. So another ten kilorupees goes there. To top that I have to buy a couple of laptops. One for home and one for work. And the EMI I pay my parents for bringing me up. If I spend any more than fifteen, I will have to go hungry every night. Is that what you want me to do?”

The broker’s eyes were glazed. “You actually pay an EMI to your parents for bringing you up?”

“They don’t ask for it, but I don’t like to have too much debt in my portfolio.”

The broker took a couple of deep breaths, retained his composure and said, “At fifteen, I can’t get you a house in South Bombay. The best I can do is get you a PG. I know a couple of places in Malabar Hill. Why don’t we go see those places tomorrow? I’ll give you call say at nine. How does that sound?”

“Sounds pefectly OK to me. See you then.”

written by disease \\ tags: Episode 1

It was exactly four years ago that Hunger tried to murder War, or at least injure him seriously. Thankfully for War, though, Senility rushed him to hospital and he managed to escape without much damage. Following this heinous incident, Disease decided to write an essay exposing Hunger’s motives. And thus Twisted Shout was born.

A week or two later, another essay got published, with the first line being “The Correspondent from H Base reports”. This was Madness, who had decided to add himself to the latest fad in town.

It was only inevitable that War, who was the original cause behind the starting of Twisted Shout, would join the group soon enough. His first contribution was to end a seminal series called Snow White and Gandalf which Disease had started.

In the following months, there were a few more people who temporarily joined Twisted Shout. However, none of them made a contribution significant enough to be included as part of the group. In fact, the only temporary member who made some sort of an impact on the group was Death, despite the fact that she never wrote at all for the group.

There will be constant references to Death in the annals of Twisted Shout, though the other temporary members will be mostly forgotten. Other members of the pantheon such as Hunger, Senility and Ugliness might make an occasional appearance.

However, Twisted Shout on No Enthu Da will remain a blog mostly written by War, Madness and Disease.

written by War