Where is the youth gone??

Unmaad is going to get over in a couple of hours. Moksha and Parikrama have already gotten the crowds swinging. The closing party will start in a couple of hours. And what am I doing right now? Sitting alone in my room with floyd playing in the background and writing this stupid piece of shit. The two complementary passes I got lie before me in my desk drawer. I’ll probably keep them for keep sake.

I still remember those days during Saarang at IIT Madras. Those days when I was still a geela undergraduate (seems so long ago now). The ultimate aim for all of us during Saarang would be to patao a girl. We would all bathe daily, shave daily, wear our best clothes, save up money and what not – just for those fifteen seconds of fame when we would be seen talking to that girl from some outside college. The ultimate sense of achievement would be to partner an outsider girl to one of the various dance workshops. I must confess that I “achieved” nowhere near this and the max I did was to have a loooooong chat with a girl whom I’d known for several years!

The ends justify the means. Irrespective of what people’s motivation is, it is a fact that we had a great deal of enthu for saarang. Saarang meant leaving the room at 8:55 sharp and not returning until late in the night. It meant that we never had grub in the mess but made do at the various food stalls with the free coupons we got for being a coordinator or a volunteer. If we had nothing to do, we would just “put beat” in the arena. There was of course the bigger goal of trying to put line to one of the pretty outsider girls.

During the last couple of days, I had every single meal in the mess. I stayed in my room for large parts of the day – especially on friday when I was setting my quiz. The only reason I ventured out was for three quizzes – two I attended and one I organized. And briefly for a party yesterday night. Else my only company has been the comp and Bridge Baron.

It is indeed funny but the very things I used to find interesting and motivating a year ago seem so pointless and trivial nowadays. Having ‘been there, done that’, there’s hardly the urge to do anything hifunda. The thin crowds too don’t help. And I have, of late, realized that too much footage is too bad and hence have been trying to maintain a generally low profile, which I must admit is a little hard to do. Earlier, I would like to be in the thick of things. Now, I’m content with taking something that I believe I can do well and simply doing it well. My work doesn’t extend beyond what I have agreed to do.

I attended a concert by Indian Ocean and STrings yesterday. At a similar concert last year, I had simply danced the night away. Yesterday, I stood quietly among friends looking around and commenting on the Besura voice of Faisal Kapadia. At many points of time during the show, all I wanted was a corner – a corner where I could sit down, sip coffee, make small talk with a few good friends and enjoy the Gamakams in the Indian Ocean compositions.

I am wondering what has befallen me. It is known that people change, but do they change so quickly like I have in the past year? Maybe not, as I spent my first month here in IIMB in a kinda culture shock and took time to adjust. Does environment have such a big impact on one’s personality? Having adjusted to a new environment, how will one react if pur back in the old environment? Have I lost my youth in my efforts to get over my “geelapan”? These are some quesions I may answer in subsequent posts.

I know the ending of this essay is bad but im feeling too sleepy so I’ll generally end it without caring for too much else.

Philosophy – Life is a game of cricket

Musings: These are random thoughts that crossed my head after a party. this being written at 0330 hrs, i’m not sure if the quality of writing matches up to my usual level. However, you can take it that all that i’ve written is “straight from the heart”.

Being a true blue middle-class (as of now) Indian guy, I am assumed to be able to carry out intelligent conversation in three areas – politics, movies and most importantly, cricket. In this respect it was damn insightful to find out the similarities between anything you do and this wonderful game.

The normal maxim followed in a test match is – give the first hour to the bowlers and take the other five. In normal circumstances, unless you are a Sehwag or a Jayasuriya or an Afridi, it is impossible to score at a brisk rate from ball one – unless of course if the bowler is pathetic. There is nothing sweeter for a batsman to feel the full face of the bat meeting the ball. He doesn’t feel confident unless and until he has met atleast one ball with the full face of his bat, irrespective of the runs he’s scored.

I haven’t played too much cricket with a leather ball (again like a good Indian, I play tennis ball cricket and watch REAL cricket). However on the few occasions I’ve played, I’ve realized the importance of the ball hitting the face of the bat sweetly. Till that time there’s a certain twang in your hands whenever ball meets bat. But connect once and all the irritation is gone and you can start belting the next ball onwards.

In life too, I believe, it’s extremely important to ‘settle down’ before embarking on any kind of mission. Take the case of starting a conversation with someone, a situation I’ve oft faced in the recent past. After the initial introductions (the toss; assume you win it and elect to bat), comes the time when the other person has to bowl to you. Not knowing your strengths/weaknesses, she’ll simply want to play safe and the first few balls will be wide outside off stump. You generally put a good ‘well left’ on each of them. However, she’s not Glenn McGrath and soon there’ll be a loose ball which you can latch on and meet with the face of the bat.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve hit the ball past the boundary or just put a good ole’ ‘forward defensive stroke’. All that matters is that you’ve managed to connect. It is only a matter of time before you can connect a few more and then there’s no stopping you. By now, she’ll have also realized your strengths and weaknesses and bowl accordingly. Except for the rare occasion when she’ll try to stump you at all the wrong places, it is likely that she’ll play along. That’ll be the beginning of a (maybe long) innings.

For people who didn’t get the metaphor, when you meet someone, you have some teething problems in starting a conversation. You start by fielding some innocuous stuff such as talk about the weather (or better else about politics, movies and cricket) and soon enough there’ll be an opportunity where you’ll suddenly feel that you’ve ‘settled down’ into the conversation. After that there’s no stopping you. Things simply happen and that is the beginning of a long comfortable conversation.

Using this as a base, I think I can classify the people around me as different bowlers in contemporary cricket. Some are Jason Gillespiess. Each time you start with them, you feel Dizzy (pun intended) and need to go through the entire process of “settling down into the conversation”. Then there are others like Henry Olonga whom you can start belting right from part one. Most people, of course lie in the middle.

When people talk of “personality development” and “becoming pseud” it is about increasing the number of Olongas and decreasing the number of Gillespies in your life. It is all about becoming a better batsman so that you can “settle down” extremely quickly irrespective of the bowler who’s bowling. The ‘studdest’ (Forgive the language – i’ve just come back from a trip to good ole’ IITM) person is one for whom every bowler is an Olonga and can start thulping anyone from ball one.

Moral of the story: When someone asks you to improve your personality, they’re only asking about improving on batting skills.

PS: Speaking of parties and cricket, given the way a few people dance I believe it would be prudent to go to the next party like an opening batsman – fully equipped with pads and other accessories – my dynasty almost came to an end thanks to a classmate today.

Saarang – an outsider’s perspective

The first thing that strikes you as you drive into IITM is the flurry of banners and promos around the gate. Every single tree and probably every single blade of grass has been covered with banners. A couple of years back, such scenes could be seen only at Mood Indigo at IITB. Now it looks like Saarang too is selling its soul.

As I go in, I walk in to the AV Quiz finals at 9:30 a.m. expecting the event to start in another ten minutes (the event was scheduled to start at 9). I am pleasantly surprised to see the quiz in full swing and a substantial audience in place. Compare this to our times (I?m speaking like an old man now) when every event started at least an hour late and not more than two rows of seats at CLT would be filled.

The quiz itself is damn good. In fact it feels so good to have this wonderful event back after a one-year layoff. Some questions go over the head of the audience but there are enough brilliant ones to keep them interested. The only sad part is that there are no chocolates, t-shirts, etc. for audience questions. Also, a certain degree of professionalism could be brought into the quiz by powerpointing the questions instead of going about them in an ad hoc manner.

Last year, we had spent substantial newsprint in lamenting about the amount of noise at the informals arena. People don?t seemed to have learnt and it is impossible to make any kind of decent conversation in there. If I remember right, a Prof had told me in 2nd year that the chief purpose of such fests is to network with people from other colleges. With this kind of noise in the most public area of all, I don?t see that happening.

I am also startled by my change in attitude towards saarang in the last one year. Last year I was an enthusiastic, geela undergraduate wanting to improve my network at every available opportunity. Now, as a post-graduate student who is here as a visitor, I don?t see any point in doing all this. Sitting in a junior?s room while listening to what I can hear of Kay Kay?s soulful music, I don?t regret not going for the show. So much unlike the last four years. It?s not that I don?t listen to this kind of music anymore. It?s not that I hate Kay Kay. It is not that I didn?t find company. The only reason I can think of is that after Shankar Mahadevan (not of the Lisa variety)?s show in 2002, I?ll never be able to come out of a Light Music show totally satisfied.

One regret I have had in the last four years has been my inability to stay up through a main quiz final. I hope to correct this aberration tonight. So strange that you realize the value of something only when you lose it.

My successors Nisheeth and BoFI seem to have successfully carried on my newsletter legacy. Articles are as juicy as ever. Hope the tradition continues and the newsletter go on in full force (unlike what has happened in Shaastra). And to plagiarize myself, for Saarangs may come and Saarangs may go but pertinent observations go on for ever.

why MBA

This was written in the form of a letter to a few of my friends doing their PhDs in Computer Science in different universities in the United States.

I was reading The Code Book by Simon Singh last week (definitely recommended). While reading about the different types of cryptography (including RSA and Diffie-Hellman), I suddenly started wondering what made me wander away from CS. Till the end of 2nd year I wanted to pursue a MS?. But suddenly when I arrived in madras for the 5th sem, I wanted to do an MBA, which is what I?m doing now.

I have a feeling a major reason why I left computer science was my ego. I considered myself (and still do) equal to all you people. Now, many of you are doing what they call cutting edge research and are going to pursue PhDs. I don?t see more than a handful of you (like Pratibha) who?ll MS-ditch. To put it frankly, cutting edge research has never fascinated me. It involves thinking about a topic which MAY become useful a few years down the line and if you are lucky enough to be alive when that happens, you will become really famous. Else you may never be able to reap the fruits of your labor.

I must confess that I am a very impatient fellow and would like to see immediate results for whatever I do. I am not the kind who?ll wait for years just to see whether what I?ve done has been of use. I think I?d be much more comfortable in doing something, selling it immediately and reaping the benefits.

The only way I could?ve done that while remaining within the confines of Comp. Sci. was to get into development. But my ego simply wouldn?t allow me to get into this kind of stuff which is considered inferior to cutting-edge research, which I believe is what most of you are doing currently and would be taking up as a career. Given this and the fact that I didn?t like the hardcore research, it definitely meant a goodbye to comp. Sci.

Yet another reason why I got disgruntled with research was the metric used for evaluation (number of papers) and also the increased (and rather unnecessary) formality introduced into the writing of papers.

I believe that formal standards were initially introduced so as to set a kind of standard and to facilitate more effective communication. After all, the entire purpose of a paper is to let your work be known to the world in the larger interest of humanity. However, with standards generally becoming more complex beyond a limit, all this formality encouraged was to fill the paper with unnecessary symbols and try to make it as hard as possible for the reader to comprehend (which ultimately defeats the entire purpose of the paper). Also given the cliques under which paper acceptances operate, this would indeed be a hard paradigm to break.

Here I am, sitting in my hostel room in IIMB, reading up a case for tomorrow?s Strategy class. I fully agree that management papers are less interesting to read than computer science papers, especially Harvard Business Review papers which are the worst of them all. However, I don?t intend to pursue a career in academics. And unlike in Comp. Sci., here a career in industry isn?t looked down upon. It must also be mentioned that MOST of our faculty here have substantial INDUSTRY experience (post-doc and being a lecturer doesn?t count for INDUSTRY experience).

I will be doing my summers at JP Morgan Securities (as I?ve already told you) and hope to get a PPO from there. I have been informed that I?ll be working in the area of Interest Rate Derivatives (which, in fact, involves quite a lot of advanced math). I have also been told that I?ll be using loads of Automata Theory, along with other related stuff, in the work I do. The products that I develop will be immediately sold to clients (here, UK-based financial institutions) and benefits will be reaped. In fact, I?m also supposed to be involved in the selling part. (please note that the above paragraph has been written based on hearsay. I?ll be able to provide a more accurate account of my work in June). The only downside I can see right now is that I?ll have to wear a suit to work daily.

I do feel sometimes that given the heavy research focus of CS@IITM (especially the ?BTech profs?) I may have missed out on some of the more interesting aspects of comp sci. I may have actually liked some of the more ?real? work going on but because of the allocation of profs and lousy floating of electives (with each elective coming only once every 3-4 years) and me giving up on CS in 3rd year, I have actually missed out on them. When I did my OpMan course last term, I felt I should?ve done mech (though I could never come to terms with drawings). When I see the lousy traffic in b?lore, I feel that I should?ve done Civil, specialized in Transportation and worked for India?s infrastructure. When I look at anything close to DSP (not the Merrill lynch kind), I think I should?ve done elec.

Thatz all I had to say folks. Now back to my case on Strategy 🙁

i remember…

Wanted to write this 8 hours ago when i was totally “tight” but then sleep got the better of me and i’m writing this now after having slept, had a bath, grubbed and taken steps to fight the hangover…

All i remember about last night party is that i went upto the bar counter and the guy said, “this is your sixth right? this one will be good for you… “. i don’t even remember going to the bar six times.

then i remember this really good friend of mine advising me to “go to your room and sleep”.

i remember going down on one knee before this girl i had a crush on a few months ago. i remember that she fled seeing that.

a senior from IITM (paddy) had come over. i remember going and talking to him (and fart and moron) for an hour geting “fundaes in life”. i have no idea what i told them or what they told me though.

i remember going to the bogs every half hour as i was getting totally pissed off…

i remember running upto the DJ to dedicate a song. he promptly played it. but i don’t know if he announced the dedication. i remember telling the “dedicatee” that the song was for her. i don’t know her reaction to that though.

i remember a friend telling me that she’ll treat me on the first day of next term. i also remember her telling me atleast a dozen times to “go sleep”. and i know she herself was drunk.

another couple of seniors from IITM had come down. i remember going and talking to them. one of them knew me. the other said she “remembered my face”. i remember going and telling another guy who i didn’t quite recognize but was sure he’s from IITM “wimpy. narmad.”

then i’d won a cup for getting fourth in a quiz yesterday. i remember pouring vodka into it and drinking from it.

thinking of it, i spent five whole hours at the party. and the incidents i’ve described wouldn’t add up to more two hours. god (the one above; not sriram) knows what i did.

getting drunk sometimes brings out the best in you (no, i didn’t puke). there was a lot of things i wanted to tell ‘her’ but had never been able to say so as i was afraid of her reaction. the first thing i did after reaching my room after the party was to dash off a message to her baring all. i’m happy i told her that. i could have told those things only when i was drunk. glad i didn’t miss the opportunity.

i’m also getting quite a bit of footage due to my “antics” yesterday. everyone i meet asks me how i am and whether i’m still hung over. kinda basking in it right now.

more later….

outstanding student

When I graduated out of 10th standard, my school gave me an award citing me as “Outstanding student of the year”. All that i had done to earn it was to talk too much in English Grammar class and thus get chucked out. Ever since i got that award, i have been trying my best to live up to the title.

I joined a different school in the opposite corner of the city for my 11th standard. Fifteen days into it, Ms. T, a highly senior and respected and feared teacher caught me talking in the last bench. She asked me to immediately get out of class. Having been emboldened by the award i had just received, i picked up my books, went up to her (the door was in front of the class close to the blackboard), said, “Thank you ma’am” and walked out. Being a newcomer i obviously didn’t care for reputations. I became a hero overnight.

This school proved to be fertile ground for me to display my outstanding talents. A couple of months after i had ‘staged a walkout’, i was caught in the assembly line (yes, this school believed that nursery kids and 12th standard students should be treated alike and hence made us line up everyday before we moved to our classrooms) with my collar button open and necktie pulled down (having been for 12 years in a school where we could wear sneakers as part of the uniform and there was no tie, etc., i could simply not reconcile myself to the idea of a necktie). I was asked to step out of the line and was made to stand in the school grounds for an hour “in the sun”. I found the November sun much better than the chill of the classroom and spent my time making small talk with some construction workers hanging around.

There were numerous other occasions where i proved myself. In my 12th, i was asked to get out of class for not doing my homework. I walked straight into the library and got down to some serious JEE mugging. Then there was this occasion when half my class was suspended because one of us (the teacher didn’t know who) sent an obscene message (something as bullshitty as “how the c**t are you?”) over the network. Remained outstanding until my mom had a chat with the principal after which i was let in.

However i wasn’t awarded the “outstanding student” award as it required that the recipient be outstanding for five years while i had put in only two years. Ravi, the guy who got the award, by the way, is my classmate here in IIMB.

My career took a severe beating in IIT as i had been forewarned by my uncle (who was a good friend of many of my profs) that no “misconduct” will be tolerated and if i attempt anything like i did in my school, i would take a minimum of eight years of B.Tech. I took temporary retirement and an uneventful four years passed during the course of which i became a ‘bachelor of technology’.

However i made a rousing comeback as soon as i stepped into the hallowed portals of IIMB. On the very first day, i had gone out between classes to wash my face and i find the door shut on me. i politely (something i find it hard to do – be polite) knocked on the door and the kindly prof. swamyji let me in saying that i was pardoned because it was the first class.

There was a lull again as i attended all but one of the classes in my first term. However, today, 2/3rd way into the second term, i became outstanding again.

We had a marketing case presentation today. Generally we put night outs the day before the presentation to complete it. Surprisingly yesterday we found the assignment to our liking, started early and would up by 1 am. We prepared an extremely long and comprehensive presentation. Some groupmates wished that we be called to present while i wished that given the length of the presentation we be simply asked to submit the slides.

I had a good sleep and attended the first class (and had a good nap there also). Next was the marketing class. As usual, i paid my respects to the coffee shop nad not so usually, decided to stop by on the way to wash my face.

Shit happened. I go to class at 10:12 (for a 10:15 class) and find the door locked. A polite knock doesn’t work this time (perhaps it was too polite and the prof didn’t hear or preferred not to hear). I open my phone and find that i don’t have the numbers of any of my groupmates! I frantically start messaging everyone in my class whose number i had. Only Ravi (he too was an outstanding student – remmber?) replies. he says that our group hasn’t been asked to submit and may be called upon to present. I vow to write a blog on this as soon as i’m back.

I wait outside the door. I perch myself on the ledge trying to hear whatz happening in class. I decide that if the next group called isn’t mine, i’ll go back to hostel and get a newspaper. After what seems to be an excrutiatingly long time (though it was only 15 minutes), the first group winds up. I brace myself thinking my group may be called and I be screwed. Soon there’s a message from Ravi. He had seen the wrong group number earlier! Our group had been asked to submit and there was no need for me to stick on there. I heaved a sigh of relief and walked back to the hostel. First thing i did on getting in was to start writing this. Now i guess i’m done with my masterpiece. Hope you liked it.

By the by (!!!), I hope to repeat this many more times and graduate out of IIMB with, among other awards, the prize for the “most outstanding student”.

tabled

Placement Committee committed a grave injustice to me today. IN the name of helping us all out for the summers and “in view of the larger cause”, i, along with a few others was asked to donate my table for the placement process! You have to place your table outside your room by 5, they said. Else we’ll be forced to debar you from the placement process.

Hence at 4:55 this evening began the painful ordeal of shifting things out of my table and on to the floor, bed and everything else i could lay my hands on. First casualty was my beloved comp. I had to disconnect carefully each and every component and carefully shift them on to… .the floor.

Then came the uncomfortable process of shifting certain stuff back on to the ledge as i found my floor too cluttered… finally after an hour’s struggle, i managed to get things in perspective…

the amount of dust i raised must be enuff to give me a head cold 2 days before placements! four cups of coffee haven’t been able to cure it!

however the most uncomfortable part of the assignment is to work with the computer screen on the floor! i’ve put my chair aside and settled myself down on the floor… my keyboard balances on my lap as i sit cross-legged on the floor with my back to the bed. the mouse is on my side…

and my hands are paining maajorly as i’m not used to typing with my keyboard on the lap. and i’ll soon get cramps in my legs for sitting cross-legged…

hence i stop here… more later…