Arranged Scissors 4 – Dear Cesare

(this is a collection of stuff I want to collectively say to all Cesares out there. Some of these might be based on stuff that has happened to me. Most of this, however, is imaginary. Nevertheless, I suppose I’ll end up saying some of these things sooner rather than later. Rather, I won’t be able to say a number of these things which is why I’m writing them here.

Cesare is a generalized term to refer to the father of the girl that you are seeing/checking-out/blading/marrying. It was collectively invented by Monkee and Kodhi, and alludes to a former AC Milan and Italy manager)

Dear Cesare,

  • You know, we are modern people. Yes, my mother is religious and all that but we think horoscope is a fraud. How do we know you haven’t frauded your daughter’s horoscope? Even if you didn’t, I was born through Caesarian section. What if the time of my birth had been timed to make sure I have a good horoscope? Do you still want it? Do you still think it matters?
  • Your daughter doesn’t look good, but I don’t know how to communicate this to you. Obviously, you won’t like to hear that your daughter is ugly, since that is a comment on the genes that you’ve passed on to her. But given that we’d cleared everything till this round, and are saying “no” now after inspecting the photo, isn’t it clear that we are rejecting based on looks?
  • Maybe next time I’ll ask you for your daughter’s horoscope along with her photo. Fraud it (horoscope) may be, but you think that is a better reason for rejection than looks. So next time I call you up and tell you “jaataka didn’t fit” you know what I’m talking about. Oh, and one more thing – you need to get the timing perfect. Both the horoscope and the photo should be sent together – else I won’t be able to reject based on horoscope
  • Every time I say “no” to your daughter, you ask me why. Why should I give you the reason? What if I had met your daughter in a pub (assume she’s a pubgoing, loose and forward woman) and hit on her for 2 days and then ditched her? Would I have to give reasons then? And you don’t take “not good fit” for an answer. There is a good chance you don’t really understand “fit”.
  • According to you, if I say no, there is something wrong with your daughter. And if she says no, then there is something wrong with me. I suppose you haven’t heard of something called the interaction term right? I suppose you haven’t been taught to add vectors, where there is a cosine term?
  • Yes, your daughter looks decent enough. She is smart enough. She is nice enough. From what I have understood she cooks just well enough. She earns enough. She is flexible enough. I agree with all of these. Excellent Common Minimum Programme, but I’m afraid that’s not what I’m looking for.
  • Of course, for the purposes of symmetry, your daughter can also say no to me without having to explain her stand. I’ll completely respect her decision. Being told “no” without being given reasons is not new to me. It’s happened in different markets.
  • And then you have a problem if I’ve already said “no” to too many women. You think I’m a loose guy, and that I’m in the market only to check out and hit on unsuspecting “hen makkLu”. But isn’t checking out and hitting on the main purpose of this process of finding a partner? Or do you mean that this market is for finding CMPs only, and I need to get out because I’m not looking for one? In any case, it would be good if your daughter were to be suspecting.
  • During the interview, I’m going to ask your daughter if she is a virgin. If you think she is the type that will be scandalized at such questions, you need not shortlist me.
  • Remember that this is the most important decision of my life. And that of your daughter’s life. So please don’t make us hurry up and make an uninformed decision on this. As long as both of us are still interested in each other, you should let us be. It takes time for Interest to move to Desire. Till then, don’t force Action.
  • I understand that you might be scandalized that I’m writing all this on my blog. nODi swamy, naaviruvudu heege (trans: look sir, we are like this wonly). I just hope that you and your daughter don’t really mind this. If you do, then we have a small problem here. Oh and btw, this is one post in what I intend to be a fairly long series on “arranged scissors”. You can find the entire list downstairs.
  • Just one thing – the tone of this post is siginficantly harsher than what I normally talk like. You are validated if you were to un-shortlist me because of the content of this post. But you are not doing the right thing if you were to un-shortlist me based on the tone. My apologies for that.
  • I hope that some day I’ll be able to call up Radio Indigo and dedicate a song to you. The song is by Iron Maiden. It is called Bring your daughter to the slaughter.

Thanks and regards,
SKimpy

(yes, that is my name. And if you came here looking for Karthik S’s blog, I assure you that you have come to the right place)

Earlier:

Arranged Scissors 1 – The Common Minimum Programme

Arranged Scissors 2

Arranged Scissors 3 – Due Diligence

38 thoughts on “Arranged Scissors 4 – Dear Cesare

  1. Yenu guruve, full jing chak reaction!! My cousin went through this situation recently. All this reminds of the “It happened to me” section in Tinkle…..

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    skimpy Reply:

    no no no. hardly any of it has happened to me. it’s more like pre-emptive.

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  2. Good one! Although why does it matter if Cesare’s daughter is a virgin?

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    skimpy Reply:

    it doesn’t. but what matters is the way she answers the question. i think it can be very informative

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  3. I’m glad you ask about experience, ie, virgin vs non-virgin. I shall follow suit when the mother sends me email-ids of ‘boys I like…for you’ type.

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    skimpy Reply:

    girls asking this question doesn’t have that much shock value – thanks to preity zinta’s debut sentence on screen (in dil se).

    anyways, thing is I don’t want to marry someone who is hyper-sensitive. and this kind of question is good to eliminate those kinds. they’ll self-reject themselves

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  4. Is the virgin question just to check “scandalizable” levels or will the answer have a significant impact on your go-no-go decision??? And of course, for the purposes of symmetry, I assume she can also ask all these questions and more of you!

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    skimpy Reply:

    yeah. just to check only.

    and she can ask me whatever she wants. hopefully i’ll be able to answer her properly, and not bulb. and i’m thick-skinned enough not to get scandalized with anything. maybe i’ll prefer scandalizing girls

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    . Reply:

    .

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  5. After all, “horoscope did not match” is the most common reason for rejection, ie” euphemism for “not good looking” or “not enough dowry”, depending on which side of the Vindhyas you come from.

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    skimpy Reply:

    which side of vindhyas? i think it’s more like karnataka-AP border.

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  6. Stud-are. Remind me to put fundaes on theory of mangaliks and inflated sex drives.

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    harithekid Reply:

    Mangalik fraud is another common thing in shaadi CVs.

    Plus, I’ve borne witness to fraud fundas being portrayed on online matrimonial sites in attempts to get either the guy / girl get married off.

    Makes for some interesting dissection. I’ll put proper fundas on 30th morning.

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    skimpy Reply:

    yeah. put da. for all you know, i might have done a couple of interviews before that.

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    skimpy Reply:

    put whenever

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  7. “horoscope not matching” is equivalent to “*” in reg-exp. not just looks.

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    skimpy Reply:

    yeah i agree. looks is just a subset

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  8. I echo every word you said about horoscope. The ones who don’t have faith in themselves find refuge in horoscope. I find it very hard to understand how is that people rely on it so much on that and think that those stars and planet orbiting thousands of miles away could shape their lives!!!

    There is a caveat in you asking for horoscope: that might put you in wrong light, people would think you too belong to the above category. And a woman who has a thinking brain on her shoulder would give –ve marks :)

    Reply

    skimpy Reply:

    good point you make here. it’s a fine line over there. for some reason i hdan’t really thought about this. now need to figure out a way to find “validly rejectable material” while at the same time not putting off the counterparty.

    problem is i need a good mechanism to put off the weak people without really insulting them. if you have some nice information mechanism, let me know.

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  9. I too am in need of such mechanism… don’t have any at the moment. So, I simply say “nange avna jothe jeevana naDsakke aagatthe antha ansalla :)”. I tell this to my sis; God knows what she translates it to when she relays the message to the other party :) I don’t bother my self to know that either :D

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    skimpy Reply:

    my mother completely understands “not good fit”. the problem is a lot of counterparites don’t. and that is what i’ve cribbed about here. i’ve seen my mother call up people and say “eno sari hoglilvanthe”. and then they start paining about “why? is my daughter ugly? why, didn’t she study enough?” blah blah.

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